Pandemic, E - Learning Grief

Memories of a life before quarantine – actually, we’re not even in quarantine anymore – dance behind my eyes. Flashes of a trip to the local bakery (empanadas), transition periods between classes at school, and even outings to PlanetFitness seem like a very distant reality.

With these flashing, dream – like scenes came a unique sense of longing and grief. It’s safe to say that I’m not a very routine – oriented person. I liked having a sense of freedom, being able to venture out into the open world, and experience the people, places, and weather that made my family move here.

There’s a stark contrast between that reality and the trapped, frantic state of mind between “normal” and the “new normal”. For me, at least, school is back in session and my days have fallen into an excruciatingly predictable routine.

It feels like even the reflectiveness and restorative nature of the pandemic’s ‘homebody requirements’ have diminished as increasingly less people acknowledge the mental strain many are going through.

Even this predictable routine is upended, as horrifying news stories and fearmongering articles seep through the cracks of my Google Discover feed (as Google Discovers what I’ve been talking about, maybe even THINKING about, in conversation with family and friends).

I’m no proponent of staying in a lower emotional state for a long period of time, but I think it’s necessary to acknowledge the difficulty that comes with communication and workload during such a time.

Email. Email, email, email, and how were we blissfully unaware of its shortcomings pre – COVID – 19? Virtual communication removes that urgency, that social expectation and sense of direct connection that can only be achieved face – to – face. It’s extremely frustrating when, inevitably, an email to a colleague or teacher leaves you more confused, unsatisfied, and exasperated than ever before.

Why, you ask, so much emphasis on email?

It’s an internal struggle.

After reading ‘The Four Agreements’, Don Miguel Ruiz’s self – help masterwork, complaining has become taboo and gossip even more so. I waver between intending impeccability and expressing resentment. I teeter between “not taking it personally” and utterly losing it.

Trying not to get lost in my emotions and turn the other cheek often leaves a distaste in my mouth! And it’s insane, because the childlike excitement I once viewed this figurative vacation with has almost turned completely sour.

The pitfalls of bad habits, consumerism, and technology addiction constantly loom over my head as I think about self – improvement and using the pandemic as an entrepreneurship opportunity.

"I teeter between “not taking it personally” and utterly losing it."

Even then, it’s disappointment that life has regained some semblance of the ordinary, the dull. School begins to feel like a 9 to 5, and I – as a student – feel crushed by bureaucracy, meaningless deadlines, and busy work at every turn.

You start to think, “Does anybody really care about my or my peers’ mental health?”

Endlessly, endlessly, endlessly, it begins to feel like psychosomatics has been made a gimmick by the education system’s relentless pseudo – emphasis on it.

The other day, a county – wide mental health training mandate required e – learners to complete a sizable chunk of mental health modules within the school day. Admittedly, the time allocated to perform such a task was reasonable, as was the expectation of completion for the entire project.

What stood out to me the most was the puzzling disparity between sincerity and insincerity, preaching and non – action, or training without discipline.

Ironically, it felt like gaslighting to watch a plethora of unskippable videos, take quizzes on several emotionally – charged topics (including addiction and human trafficking), perform mindfulness activities centered around reducing anxiety, and then have an electronic compost pile of class assignments to complete.

It made mental health training, in my mind, a burden. That is deeply saddening, because I’ve never considered myself someone to skip out on or discredit the role of psychological well – being on physical, spiritual, and even mental health as well.

It’s been a priority ever since my mom introduced me to meditation and Eastern practices, chanting mystical phrases and learning phonics (fä•niks) to represent good health, connection with God, and attunement with oneself.

“Gurudev” and “Nam Myoho Renge Kyo”, or “Sa Ta Na Ma” and “ Ra Ma Da Sa Sa Say So Hung” – taken on their own – are just syllables, picked from other languages and significant of nothing to the untrained ear. It’s the principles behind them, however, that make these chants meaningful and healing to the human mind, body, and spirit.

"...connection with God, and attunement with oneself."

The pandemic has made clear that endless toil on trainings, or assignments, or any other type of work, without a foundation of principles and genuine care for the student, only hurts one’s well – being.

I don’t condone a completely laissez – faire attitude when it comes to e – learning in general (not being a Teams player), but the workload has grown increasingly demanding and some weeks, almost cruel.

Then again, that’s my opinion. Lots of controversy surrounding the school system in my area has sprung up, including both school staff and administration officials.

Sharing your opinion takes guts and passion; if the education system isn’t willing or ready to hear that criticism, then why are programs like Capstone and AICE – both heavily centered around argumentative writing and persuasive reasoning – on the course selection roster?

I complete my assignments to the best of my ability, and maybe focusing on what’s controllable is the solution to my e – learning grievances.

After all, nothing can be too serious in a world so unpredictable and entropic as ours. The best of my ability, over the past few weeks, has become enough for me. I won’t slave over a WebQuest or continually revise an essay just to please someone uncommunicable and uncompromising.

If I put my absolute heart and soul into a project, that’s an illuminating of my own integrity and work ethic.

It’s not a bargaining chip, something reduced to a percentage out of ten or thirty or one hundred points. Right now, that’s where the culture stands, and accepting what you cannot change serves as a step forward.

If the pandemic has taught me one thing, it’s that becoming intoxicated with the ordinary isn’t what I want.

Striving for greatness means striving to understand your own insecurities and strengths first, being kind to yourself all throughout.