Why Are We So Harsh on Ourselves?

Hi, everybody. I hope you’re all doing well. In today’s article, I want to share my thoughts on an epidemic more silent than the one we’re currently experiencing: self-criticism.

Although, I do want to make one thing clear, and that is the intention of the self critic. Why are we so harsh on ourselves? In In Touch, John. C. Prendergast talks about the reasons behind our constant beration and underappreciation of our own efforts. He mentions that the inner critic actually comes from a well-intentioned place.

Sometimes we think that reinforcing a specific set of rules, in a negative way, will somehow bring about positive change. And this view can be increasingly added to (sometimes unhealthily) by the people that we are exposed to, either as children, young adults, or fully grown people- what I’m trying to say is that we often expect others to hold us to high standards. Louise Hay, when asking her clients why they were degrading themselves, got a very surprising answer.

“Doesn’t everyone?”

Survival instincts go back way beyond your and my time, and they proved extremely useful for our ancestors. However, when applied in the 21st century, these mechanisms can really hinder our functioning in everyday life. If people around you are harsh on themselves, most likely you will be too. If you grew up with people who were never satisfied with their work, possessions, or relationships, you will most likely adopt that way of thinking.

Perfectionism is sometimes hailed as a wonderful trait to have, but it can drive you absolutely nuts. Trying to fit yourself into a perfect mold can leave you burned out, left with no emotional resilience to spare. But because most perfectionists have been stuck in this mindset for so long, being kind to themselves and practicing acceptance can seem scary. The brain naturally does not like change, as change entails the possibility of failure and introduces uncertainty.

The paradox comes from the fact that our happiness lies in that uncertainty; sitting around and repeating the same thought patterns never helped anyone out of a rut, and I don’t think it ever will. Self-sabotage is a very dangerous thing that can run very, very deep. Thoughts like, “It’s not worth it anyway”, “What would ____ think of me?”, and “I’ll just fail again” are paved with surprisingly good intentions. The brain uses that type of thinking to keep you stagnant and to prevent you from learning something that could help you long-term. Why? Because the human mind or psyche was built to keep you safe. It was not built to keep you happy. The reason why people keep on doing things they know are bad for them (junk food, cigarettes, etc.) is because they “work”. I’m not talking about the typical definition of performing an objectively helpful task or function, I’m talking about the quick reaction in our reward centers that we crave.

Another important factor comes from the marshmallow test. In this test, children were given one marshmallow to sit with. They were told that if they did not eat it right away, a second marshmallow would be brought later. This whole experiment comes from the concept of delayed gratification. It makes you think about having the will and power over yourself to trade that quick victory for prolonged success later on. Children that came from poor families tended to take the first marshmallow immediately, because in their experience, resources and stability don’t last. However, kids in more well-off families would be able to delay that urge for immediate satisfaction to get a greater long-term reward. What does this have to do with self-criticism?

The marshmallow test is a wonderful indicator that the ‘way of the world’ or perspective that we are given early on shapes not only our decisions, but our emotions and thoughts as well.

A child who is repeatedly told they are a “klutz” will naturally grow up being clumsy, and every time they trip over something, they will again reinforce that way of thinking. Nothing is inherently negative or positive, but different programs can make you feel different ways. If you have been running the program of uncertainty and believing that someone is always out to get you, most likely, you will look and find situations where someone is out to get you.

The vicious cycle only feeds itself.

But as the Matrix movies have shown, humans have a key element that separates them from the rest of the world: choice. Neo is able to win against Agent Smith because he chooses to fight, not because he wins their battle. It’s willpower that comes from the core of someone’s consciousness, the choice to turn things around no matter what the material world shows you. Once someone reaches the point where their internal world is fine no matter what happens outside, they have realized that life is truly up to them. Does this mean that you need to work every waking moment, and that resources are limited, and that time is running out? If you decide. You could also decide to tap into acceptance, peace, and inner knowing that tells you it’s going to be okay no matter what. Sometimes the only choice you can make is to trust that whatever’s meant to be will happen, and what’s not will fall away. You can make that choice, and that’s the beauty of even writing or reading an article like this.

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The mind and body are tools for you to use. What we call “you” is the thing inhabiting those tools, or the consciousness. But because we have become so identified with the stories that we repeat, we consider ourselves inseparable from this false identity. You are whoever you choose to be, and I know that most people would choose to be kind to themselves. It’s a tragic plight many face, not knowing that there is another way to treat themselves. They are simply running a program that was taught to them by figures of “authority”- teachers, parents, priests, older siblings, etc, etc, etc...

The only authority in your life is the one reading this article.

I don’t mean the mind making judgments about this article, I mean the consciousness observing these words and taking them in wholly and peacefully. Once you realize this, now every single story and accusation falls away. You are not insecure. You don’t have to be confident. You aren’t special, but you aren’t unspecial. You’re just you, and the choice to be kinder to yourself is yours. Whenever you have a thought that screams “You’re not doing enough!”, step outside yourself and imagine pressing the delete button. Then turn up the volume on the thoughts you choose (Everett, N. [February 8, 2013] Meet Yourself: A User's Guide to Building Self-Esteem: Niko Everett at TEDxYouth@BommerCanyon).

Everything that the brain does, even enforcing harmful programs, is in the name of survival and self-preservation. But wanting to replace those negative-reinforcement patterns with a new and positive perspective is completely okay. Actually, more than okay. It might be absolutely necessary for a happy and healthy life.

Sometimes we think that beating ourselves up is going to prevent us from making the same mistakes again. But studies have shown that when you’re down in the dumps (even if it’s self-inflicted), you’re more likely to abandon attitudes of compassion and empathy in favor of anger and apathy. Emotional resilience decreases when we feel like there’s no point, but the thing we miss is that we get to choose our point. You choose the meaning that you put onto things, and everyone else’s expectations mean nothing. They’re just people trying their best as well.

Growing up without somebody teaching you that mistakes can be fixed, and that it’s completely okay to mess up can hinder someone’s self-compassion. But now is the time to teach ourselves. The inner critic is just the result of an undeveloped skill, and the way to develop that skill is to start advocating for ourselves. Think, do you really deserve the treatment you give yourself? And even if doubt creeps in while you’re reading these sentences, maintain your inner compassion. Why? Because you are worth it. The fact that you exist means you are worth it, not because of what possessions you carry or what you have done. You simply deserve love because you deserve love.

And in a way, your inner critic deserves love too. Because behind all those grandiose all-or-nothing statements, it is a hurt child, suffering from a lack of understanding and love. You can choose to love your inner critic. Even though it may have caused you anxiety and sorrow in the past, recognize that that child cares. That’s the only reason you beat yourself up. You care. Choose to care about yourself, too.