Why Toxic Positivity Misses the Mark

‘You first have to acknowledge a situation to fully grow from it.’

A lot of people, especially now that things are objectively confusing and scary, like to push this story of “unstoppable” good vibes. They like to try and deflect anything negative that happens by saying phrases like “Cheer up” or “It’s not so bad”. I’m not saying that trying to spin a situation in a different way is inherently bad. The flaw in this mindset comes from that fact that ‘toxic’ positivity never actually acknowledges what’s really going on, while real positivity comes from a place of acceptance. Only when you accept something can you make a change and deal with whatever the situation entails.

People struggle with their effort to control, and I’m not going to lie, I have flaws related to this too. I think that this whole “good vibes” movement is a symptom of a heavy underlying issue: suppression. No thing is good or bad, it just is what it is. This may seem excessively simplified, but it’s true! However, that doesn’t mean we can’t stop ourselves from feeling distraught at times. The real skill of emotional resilience comes from the understanding that all emotions are equally important. The same amount of care and tender attention you give to your positive emotions, you should also attribute to your “negative” ones. This doesn’t mean we wallow in the parts of our lives that were tough for us. It means that we choose to try something new while acknowledging whatever’s happening inside.

The analogy of a ball hitting a wall works great here. When you throw something at a solid surface, it’s naturally going to bounce off. But if that surface was something flexible- like a net- it would catch the object. Both situations use the same amount of energy, but what happens is that the second scenario allows room for change. The wall represents our conscious state of mind. We can become rigid and not willing to accept or change, or we can choose to work with the flow of life instead of against it.

Unhappy? Accept it.

Bad eating habits? Accept it.

Uncomfortable relationships? Accept it.

Acceptance is a magical thing because it opens so many more possibilities than we currently have. The thought process immediately becomes solution-oriented rather than argument-oriented. A radical example of this comes from just accepting the thoughts you consider negative. Not giving them that power over you means fully embracing it and then letting it pass. After that, you can think a thought that means something more positive or that gives

you more comfort. Simply accepting the possibility that things go wrong allows life to show you the way to the next step, instead of you having to fight both yourself and the universe all day. It’s simply exhausting trying to figure yourself out to the very core all the time. Even the Buddha only became enlightened after virtually starving himself to the brink of death and meditating for seven weeks straight.

I know neither you nor I have any idea how he did that, but he’s the Buddha, after all. In the traditions of Buddhism, they say that each individual person is like a mirror. Scrubbing the filth off that mirror is the ultimate human responsibility and goal. I think that acceptance allows us to stop procrastinating on wiping down that mirror, and it’s a tool that gives you energy in the places you need it- the drive and will to improve yourself for another day. Think about it; if you admit that you aren’t where you want to be right now, that clearly means you’re getting to where you’re going. If everybody was at their desired destination already, that would take the life out of life.

Having a healthy relationship is only wonderful because there are toxic and abusive relationships out there. Acquiring money is only valued because some people don’t have it. Almost everything good is borne out of the absence of something ‘bad’. But acceptance removes that struggle altogether. It’s the message that wherever you are is exactly the right place.

I know that with corona, a lot of people are struggling with stressing themselves out. They have been running for so long that they have no idea how to return to themselves. It can feel so devastating to discover that you are not who you thought you were, and that’s the type of devastation that toxic positivity tries to avoid. But what comes from having your identity completely shattered? The chance to build something greater. The opportunity to become a better person. The will to become happier, or fitter, or a better listener, or really a better person. That’s all it is.

This life wasn’t made to be stagnant. That’s one of the best and worst things about it. Beauty is only so amazing because it is fleeting, but that doesn’t mean that we all must suffer. You choose your thoughts; I’m not saying positive thinking is bad. Everybody deserves the kindness they show to their best friend to be directed inwards as well as outwards. However, suppressing what isn’t working isn’t going to make anything else work. Take whatever you feel and embrace it, because it’s all you have. And you’ll know when it’s time to use your own imagination.

When it’s time to craft your own story, without denying anybody’s pain- including yours.

Thank you for reading, and as always, have a wonderful one.